Okay so this is the thing with me. I still have not had sex. Like actual sex. I know people think that is weird or that I must be making it up at this point because of the things I have written about but it is the truth. I have done a lot of things. I have let guys touch me and go down on me and I have touched them and I have been close. Really close. But I have not gone all the way and there is a part of me that keeps stopping and I do not fully understand it yet and that is okay.

What happened last week though. That was a lot.

I have a lab partner named Shea. He is in my organic chemistry class and we have been partnered since the start of the semester. He is quiet. He writes everything down in this tiny handwriting that I tease him about and he always holds the beaker when we pour because he says my hands shake too much which is fair because they do.

We were studying for the final at my apartment. My roommate was home but she went to bed around ten because she has an eight am. Shea and I were at the kitchen table with our notes spread out and flashcards and a half eaten bag of pretzels and at some point I said "I cannot look at another molecular structure" and he said "movie?"

I said yes. We moved to the couch. I grabbed the blanket from the back of it because my apartment is always cold and we sat next to each other with the blanket across both of our laps and I put on something I had already seen because I did not care about the movie. I cared about the fact that Shea's thigh was touching mine under the blanket.

We sat like that for maybe twenty minutes. Then his hand moved. Not dramatically. Not in a way that felt planned. He just put his hand on my thigh and left it there.

My breath caught. I did not move. I did not look at him. I looked at the screen and pretended I was watching the movie while his thumb traced slow circles on my inner thigh through my leggings.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

"Yes."

His hand moved higher. I spread my legs a little without thinking about it and he took that as the invitation it was. His fingers found the seam of my leggings and he pressed against me through the fabric and I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Can I" he started. He did not finish the sentence. He just looked at me and I nodded.

He slid his hand inside my leggings. Inside my underwear. His fingers found my pussy and I was already wet and he exhaled slow when he felt it. He rubbed my clit in circles and I grabbed the arm of the couch and tried to stay quiet because my roommate was thirty feet away behind a thin door.

"You are shaking" he said.

"I know."

He pulled the blanket over his head and moved down the couch. I lifted my hips and he pulled my leggings down to my knees and then his mouth was on me. Under the blanket. In the dark. With the movie still playing and the blue light from the screen flicking across the blanket above his head.

He licked me slow. Long strokes from bottom to top and then focused on my clit with this pressure that was exactly right. I do not know how he knew. Maybe he did not know and he was just paying attention to the way I responded which is honestly better than knowing.

I put a pillow over my face. I bit it. I could feel every muscle in my legs tensing and my hips were moving on their own and his hands were on the insides of my thighs holding them apart.

I came. Hard. My whole body went tight and then released and I bit the pillow so hard my jaw ached after. He kept going. He did not stop. He licked me through it and then slowed down and then started again and I wanted to tell him to stop because it was too much but I also did not want him to stop ever.

I came a second time. Quieter. Deeper. More like a wave that started at the base of my spine and moved through me slowly and left me completely boneless on the couch with the blanket half on the floor and the pillow wet from my mouth.

He came back up and sat next to me and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and I lay there and could not move. My leggings were around my knees and my heart was going so fast I could feel it in my throat.

"Are you okay?" he said.

I laughed. Like an actual laugh. "Yes. I am very okay."

"Good."

I sat up and looked at him and he was hard. I could see it through his jeans. I reached over and palmed him through the denim and he inhaled sharp and I undid his jeans and pulled his cock out and wrapped my hand around it.

I stroked him slow. Watching his face. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the couch and I tightened my grip and went faster. He was thick and warm and I thought about putting him in my mouth but I wanted to watch his face when he finished.

He came on my hand and on the blanket and he made this quiet sound like a word that got stuck halfway out. I kept stroking until he put his hand over mine and said "stop" and then we sat there.

The movie was still playing. We had missed at least forty minutes of it.

I got up and washed my hands and brought him a paper towel and he cleaned up and pulled his jeans back up and I pulled my leggings back up and we sat on opposite ends of the couch and looked at the screen.

"We should study for the final" he said.

"Probably."

"We are going to fail."

"Probably."

He left around midnight. He stood at my door and opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then closed it and then said "Goodnight" and I said "Goodnight" and watched him walk down the hallway.

I went back to the couch and the blanket still smelled like him and I sat there for a long time thinking about the way his mouth felt and the way I could not stop shaking and how close I am to wanting everything and how I am not quite there yet but I can feel it getting closer.